blackgnat's Journal

ch ch ch changes...
got back from the trip late on Sunday to wicked cold winds and overly chipper roommates. had a bit of luck, well more than a bit on my trip...I found a lucky penny both times i was about to get on the plane... then when i was calling my parents to let them know i'd be on time getting in i found 50 cents in the pay phone slot....the weather was great, all sunny and 80ish with a nice breeze to cool you off...despite my sister's disorganization the wedding went off without any family squabbles or drunken relatives being escorted out...Sadly I didn't get to see Tabby(the only real down side to the whole weekend)...I was looking forward to that all week...now I'm going to have to ship her birthday present to her...well, on the way out of SA they gave me the option to get bumped and now... I have half the price of my ticket to go see Berg! All I need now is to set the date in January. Life is looking up again and its wonderful to be reaclimating to a winter environment...this coming month looks to be full of promise for future decisions and the beginning of some unexpectedly good relationships...now that i've been all mary sunshine and shocked everyone i'll duck back into my cubicle and start staring at the screens full of numbers

Current Mood: and upbeat
Current Music: Veruca Salt

so i discovered that I can post online at work but i refuse to become an obssessed daily poster like some people I know

gotta love it when i'm going to a place thats going to be 90 degrees and my mother still insists on a suit.
also feeling giddy at the changing leaves and the new england type weather. finally bought the ticket to see bonk in SF and can't wait. now all I have to do is get the car to pass inspection and get Hollins nailed down and life will be wonderful again. God i LOVE fall!

So I just fell in love with the BBC all over again. I can now listen to their radio online and have discovered a station that is currently playing two hours of DnB. WOOHOO!

I just had the wierdest dream about Tabby last night. Mostly involved running around Austin of all places and other intriuging activities. I really miss her. I wish I had an address or phone# for her that worked. I even made her a birthday present and I have no way to get it to her. sighhhhhh So recently I've been thinking that I'll have the morning of my sister's wedding free and I'll be in SA and I'd love to see her but I have no way to contact her and let her know this. Don't you just miss her smile and her laugh and seeing her so excited about one of her projects? I miss hearing her pieces too. Sighhhhh I guess its going to be one of those reflective days huh?

Current Mood: and thoughtful

today of all days
so the day started with a quick walk to Ridley's office, back and forth to the library to email and do laundry and finding out that I basically don't belong on campus anymore. Since I'm avoiding any possible A spaces I can't claim the space as mine. She'll go to China and I'll finish up in the spring and hopefully being here won't hurt so much anymore. I don't want to be that pathetic emo person spewing their feelings all over this journal because they can't talk to anyone so I'll put it briefly. I am now no longer on even friend status according to her nor do I get to talk pretty much most of the people I knew over the last two years. I have left the bubble and it has burst behind me. I am sad about this turn of events and living very busy days until Boston calls in June.
you know the really craptastic thing about it? I was looking forward to my first and last day off of work for the next two weeks. and it turns out like this. I have been having relatively good days until now, enjoying the weather and knowing that financial security is on the horizon. so now back to the optimistic hole in which only i get to decide who comes and goes.

Current Mood: and isolated

hey
today is the first day that's truly felt like fall and i love it. wish i had someone to snuggle up with and enjoy the view of the mountains from my new bedroom, but enjoying the sense of new beginnings nonetheless. you have to feel great on a day like today.

and the clouds of doom begin to part
its official, for the second time in less than a month i get to be drug tested and this tiome an extra special treat, I get to go to the county sheriff's and get fingerprinted. how uch do they need to know about me befopre i can answer some damned phones?
P.S. karma is l;oving me, I got holiday pay for working labor day and I have just gotten a bump in pay at the new job before even starting. this means no more financial hole and I can look for a spiffy new apt for just myself.thank goddes for my own space. love to the emailers. I got to thinking ecveryone had forgotten my address.
hope you are all enjoying the new semester and I'll be seeing a few people at the concert on Sunday.
sidebar: who did what to whom to get her to come to roanoke of all places. just a little speculation on my part.
have a wonderful day all.

so for those who check this and don't actually talk to me a few updates...
I moved last week
I started a new job at Kroger to pay the bills this month
Amy broke up with me a few nights ago
I have gotten an awesome new job that will pay well and have benefits like health insurance it starts in Oct.
and the best one...
my mom is trying to girlify me for my sister's wedding in Nov.

thought you'd all like to know what's been going on

determination is waking at 7am to ride a bus for two hours to make a 10am appointment with a landlord so I can have a space of my own again.

Current Mood: groggy

I am officially going to not be homeless at 10am tomorrow morning. this feels wonderful. Though the roommates are nice enough I will continue to seek other abodes. I want to live on my own for a while before school sucks my life up again.
Here's hoping that two gay men and a lesbian can live together in relative peace and harmony. does that sound like a movie to anyone else? I think I've seen it...it has a happy ending.

Current Mood: contemplative

Finally things are coming into focus, all the trudgnig of the last few weeks has netted a new apartment, a possible new awesome job, and a steady paycheck in the mean time. Also, side benefits are some serious perspective and a renewed will to graduate and progress into my career. Life goals are solidifying and I actually feel better about the time I'll need to spend in Roanoke. I can stay positive and get things accomplished personally and professionally instead of waiting around for something good to happen.
New personal philosophy: Do my best to achieve defined goals and life will get better.

Current Mood: optimistic
Current Music: "Thank you"-Natalie Merchant

waiting and loathing in Roanoke
spent 2 hours yesterday calling about apartments, spent the same two hours today waiting for my yearly tests, I am learning to loathe that part of the day.

Berg
I am online with Berg right Now!!!
I can't believe she's in the middle of nowhere on an island and I'm talking to her on email!
I will be moving soon, as in three days and will update everyone on the new address soon. The days are full and I amd busy. Only sleeping a few hours a night, but getting things done.

DOR
I spent most of yesterday at Boston's Trans Day of Awareness. It started out as going to be an ally and gather information for Hollin's event next semester, but by the end of the night I was pretty emotionally exhausted. I know that Hollins is an all women's university, but does that mean sex or gender? With all of the violence being faced by people living in the liberal north should a supposedly safe enclave of enlightened individuals like Hollins really be the place to start excluding? I fully accept the need for women to have higher education in a setting which nurtures their leadership abilities and their individuality as well as creativity. Does that have to mean that an undergrad has to live with four years of isolation before they can apply to join our espoused welcoming community?
I love Boston. Being here is home. The more time I spend outside in any part of the city I know I belong here. Finding my niche will be hard, but I think for my own fulfillment that this is the right place for me. I do still want to live in CA. It would be fun. However things turn out at the end of the year I will have learned more from the amazing people around me than I could have possibly hoped for after having to leave school 5 years ago. Thanks to all of you I might actually make it through without a break down. And a great deal happier too.

It is too fucking early to be awake and yet I am...
Stupid dreams and their damned internal meanings. What I really want is a simple little thought to put my frustrated body to rest...now I get to watch the sun come up through the windows while my toes freeze ...alone...this sucks...it is beautiful...one of the reasons i love living further north aside from actual liberals...but on a school day...when I still have to read the rover...not ok...I feel sorry for whomever decides to be chipper anywhere near my vicinity this morning...a few cups of real coffee will help, but that's a couple of hours away...
So something new...confirmed to my mother that I am indeed one big flaming homo...then answered typical questions of why and when...also sadly academic conversation checking off three quarters of my family as close minded bigots...not news to me, but does sort of leave you wondering where blood is supposed to tie and where you make your own...my friends are my family, have been for years...now its just an exercise in patience while I wait for my dad to catch up to the twentieth century...yes the twentieth...and eventually the present day existence of multiplicity which I inhabit

guess who's not writing her thesis...
I've been bombarded with lovely people these last few days and now that the momentum is slowing little flashes of memory are starting to invade my consciousness. Subtle things like a word or a sound will send me out of the hard fought empirical space to other bodies and times. while this is wonderful to know it is not so helpful to productivity. Also, every time I move there is a dull soreness in my entire body accentuated with sharp jolts of pain. While I'm not complaining, (well not too much) it is distracting. I just confirmed with K and Char for break. Boston is looking good for now. though knowing that Thanksgiving day makes exactly 2 weeks left of class is starting to create a rising panic in my chest. Luckily I will be in a hole alone for 5 days getting something done before I start to socialize. I love that city.

Hell Yeah
Much fun in my old room.

Tied and ready for more
Fall is approaching and with it comes another season of hoping the Sox will make the championship. I have been attempting to work while awaiting game results all week. Sadly, I was indoctrinated into the sports cult as a young child and never kicked the habit. Only a week 'til break and coming out week upon our return. Can't wait. The days just keep coming and everyone brings something new and interesting. What can I say, fall brings out the optimist in me. (Feel free to point out the irony of this misguided hope)

woo to the hoo
just spent an hour figuring out my schedule for the semester and becoming increasingly depressed when I checked my email and found out that the Sox are tied with the Yanks for second place in the AL. With a game every night this week I'll have something to look forward to in my inbox every morning aside from reminders to do more work. I love you all greatly but you won't be seeing much of me for the next few months. The thesis has started in earnest and every bit of time I have will probably be spent on it when I'm not doing homework. Eating and sleeping will fit in there somewhere. I'll try to be around people at lunch time, but I can't guarantee it. just send me an email every once in a while to let me know how you all are.
As my last act of freedom I went to the Peace March in DC on Sat. Amazingly uplifting is all I can think to say at the moment. Must get back to work.

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